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Barshots Nightlife Guide: Bar Jokes

Bar Jokes

OK, so some of these jokes aren't too funny. If you know any better ones send them to info@barshots.com.



This bloke had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"



A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"



A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet.

Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"

"Nope," came the reply.

Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"

The man also replied, "Nope."

"Oops, it must have been an inside job."



Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*



A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?



A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"



OK, a 3 foot midget walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of shit. Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of shit, the midget says to the big guy, "I just did that", and the big guy punches the midgets lights out.



The little cowboy "Shorty" was leaving the bar to get on his horse for the ride back to the ranch, when he noted that someone had painted his horse's balls green. Totally pissed, he went back into the bar and shouted "who's the dirty son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls green>" A big burly guy stood up and said "I did. Got a problem with that"? "Nope" says Shorty, " just wanted to let you know he was dry and ready for the 2nd coat".



The Fo'csle bar in Ketchikan, Alaska is known for being one of the toughest, roughest bars in all of America. A lot of tourists pass through Ketchikan and often wander, by mistake, into the Fo'csle. Keeping in mind that there are 7 men to every one woman in Alaska, the sign posted behind the bar is hilarious.

"Remember ladies, when you leave Alaska, you're ugly again."




Q: What's the difference between a Bartender and a toilet seat?

A: A toilet seat only has to deal with one asshole at a time.




A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender give a shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. "Bartender! Give another shot!" He takes the shot then looks in his pocket." He says "Bartender give another shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. The bartender says, "Why is it that after every shot do you look in your pocket?" "I have a picture of his wife & when she look goods, I'll go home!"



This guys walks into a bar and orders two beers. He pounds one and pours the other on his right hand. Promptly he orders two more. Pounding one, he pours the other on his right hand. Now the barternder is looking at this guy kinda funny like. The guy orders two more beers and the bartender says, "Mister why you drinking one of them beers and pouring the other on you hand?"

The guy replies, "Because I want my date to be as drunk as I am."




A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"

The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"



A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"




A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.




A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"




A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the bartender.

"What? That sucks," said the string.

So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself in a knot and messes up his end. He comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.

"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.

"No. I'm a frayed knot."




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